Walking on Shadows

“Rosi, por favor, camina,” she said.  The sun lit the NYC street like a movie screen as my mother tried to get me to go forward.  I would not. I could not!  Her fingers squeezed my hand a little bit tighter and she repeated, “Camina”  But I could not walk.  And I could not tell her why.  This is a very distant memory. It may be prior to my gaining intelligible language, because I remember that I could not express my fear.  I could not say I was scared of my shadow.  The menacingly dark figure mimicked me. It licked at my feet. I tried to run away, but I could not escape it.  All the while my mother kept holding my hand.  She did not rescue me, she did not kill the threat, and she did not let me go.

I do not remember how that episode ended, but I know that it was repeated often.  It has become a family joke that I was afraid of my own shadow.  But I do remember that years later, when I did have speech, my mother explained that I did not have to fear.  She taught me the sun made the shadow.  She showed me everything had a shadow; she had one too.  She told me about Peter Pan and that a shadow can be like a friend. She taught me to play with it by making rabbit, dog and swan shadow puppets.  She taught me to sing, “When ever I feel afraid I hold my head erect, and whistle a happy tune, and no one will suspect I’m afraid.” In my first fearful “shadow memory” my mother did not let me go. In later such moments  she did not let me run away either. What she did do was show me how to deal with my fears. She changed my fearful failure into a victory.

Now in the middle of my life I find myself once again walking in the shadow.  I see other shadows looming in my periphery and my instinct is to retreat. But I learned to walk on shadows with my mother. And now my Heavenly Father is holding my hand.  He promises to walk through these valleys with me.  He provides hope. He has taught me what others have felt while in this valley of shadows.  I have seen His presence overwhelm the valley with darkness.  He has staked His reputation on the fact that He will bring great victory and light out from the shadows, and I trust Him.  I choose to walk close to the darkness,  for He abides there too.  “And Moses drew near unto the thick darkness where God was.” Exodus 20:21

Shirley M. Warner
1932-2011

It would be a much more difficult thing to walk in this valley if my mother had not taught me to challenge my fears.  If she had not showed me the truth about shadows I would have been left lingering in true darkness; and for that and a myriad other things I am grateful.  I am also grateful for other mothers who have left a legacy of true grit. Mothers who saw the light and the dark in life and went forward. Mothers who taught us to dance through life with strength and wit. Mothers who showed us how to hold God's hand. Mothers who have crossed  the valley of the shadow with bravery, fortitude and grace.

*This is a tribute to my mother, as well as to my mother-in-law, Shirley Warner